if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Randomize
