Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
