i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
