dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
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My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
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We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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