I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
