the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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