just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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