Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
