Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
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