How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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