does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
