I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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