I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
