the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
