I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
This toilet bowl is my home.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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