the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
