So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
