This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
