Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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