Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
