im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.â€
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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