there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
