If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
