this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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