i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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