You really coming over, don't trick.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
