My Higher Power is John Stamos
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
this is an emotional support booty call
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
