i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
