Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
dude. I can hear the air.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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