I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
