I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
