I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
