take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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