hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
