Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Buhtt sex?
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
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