i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
