I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
