Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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