I'd wear matching sweaters with you
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
