i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
