dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
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I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
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Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize