i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
