i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
