you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
