Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize
