She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
