Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize
