At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
