I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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