Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
