He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.