I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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