Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
